We Have to Let It Fall Apart

"We have to let it fall apart," my dad clearly stated through the phone.

"Fears aren't facts," he continued.
I had described to him how I had this ache in my solar plexus. My gut hurt; my heart aching.

I told him how I felt so anxious and afraid. That I felt like I was just holding it together.

So, he reminded me, "You've gone to the dark side many times, you have fallen apart before so you have enough faith in the goodness of the universe, of your soul, in your creative intelligence to trust in the falling apart."

"Your problem, honey, is that you don't maintain that trust all the time because you are trying to hold together something of your own making, rather than the making of the universe."

"What you have made is bullshit; that's just the fact of the matter."

I laughed. He laughed.

"You are much more than what you have made, honey, and you've experienced that and know that. Through yoga, through music, through relationships. You've touched it. But it doesn't last and you're afraid that it's going to disappear when you let what you made fall apart."

He explained me that when I let it fall apart that which remains will last forever.

"At some point you are going to see that your way doesn't work or last. It doesn't mean you don't do things or become something or stay with someone. It just means that you look at it differently without fear of loss and abandonment."

"You've got some abandonment issues, honey."

I laughed. "I wonder where those came from?" I retorted.

"Yea, I wonder," he said.

"When we stop using abandonment as a weapon to protect ourselves against others our abandonment issues disappear and you'll stop being afraid.

"I will never leave you, Brittny. I can say that more now and mean it than I ever have.

"Until you give up your way, surrender, recover from your insistence on your way- it doesn't matter how many tools you have or how educated you become.

"You've been an overachiever your whole life and you think you can't show any cracks in your armor. You really need to just get over that."

It's just so beautiful that you're having this problem so that you can just stop. Just stop fighting it; what is meant to stay, will."

He told me I couldn't do it alone. And that knowing the practice and doing it are two separate things.

Today, I write this post for you, too. Because I think you probably see yourself in some of this, much of this. Or in someone that you love. Today, I recommit to my practice.

 

Brittny McCarthyComment